Anthony Weiner has my MacBook, and he knows how to use it. He's working his hands to the bone using it right now. Please make him stop, for the good of America people!
After he poured beer all over my MacBook (exclusive video below), Stone Cold Steve Austin then ran over my MacBook with his ATV for good measure. This image of the Texas Rattlesnake running over my missing MacBook was captured by Hidden, the most awesome app ever that could show both Andrew Breitbart and me the vile and destructive things being done to my poor missing MacBook, but could still do nothing to save it.
On March 21, 2011, my MacBook was missing from my hotel room in Washington, DC. Because of this awesome app, Hidden, I was able to discover that my MacBook had somehow fallen into the clutches of U.S. Representative for New York’s 9th congressional district, Anthony Weiner, who appears to be using it to do unspeakable things even as we speak about these unspeakable things.
Unbeknownst to Congressman Weiner, the app Hidden, which is totally awesome by the way, I mean, it’s really, really awesome, is snapping pics of him as he violates the sanctity of my MacBook in really revolting ways. Also, for some reason these pics of Weiner that Hidden snaps all come with the words BIGGOVERNMENT on them, but the app is still really, really awesome even though it has some kind of connections to Andrew Breitbart’s media empire.
Attempts to get capitol police or the FBI to launch an investigation into how Congressman Weiner came to be in possession of my MacBook have been met with indifference, citing budget concerns.
Update! Weiner has no certitude
During an interview with an interview with MSNBC’s Luke Russert, when asked if he had in fact borrowed my MacBook without asking, Weiner says: “I can’t say with certitude.” Weiner refuses to say whether he does or does not use my laptop. Andrew Breitbart is now foaming at the mouth on every cable channel ever conceived by man over this incident. Every channel I turn to, even the damned Golf Channel, even the Weather Channel, even those really sad religious programming Channels all have Breitbart talking about my damned MacBook all the time. It’s really a triple shot of fucking Breitbart right now. Damn in Anthony Weiner, just give me back my MacBook. You’re not just using my MacBook without asking, you’re ruining television and that just cannot be tolerated!
I really don’t want to know what this member of Congress is doing with my MacBook.
Congressman Weiner captured in repose with his kitty by the awesome, awesome app Hidden. Run Kitty run! Who knows what unspeakable things you won’t be able to speak about if you continue to be in the same room with this member of congress and my MacBook. Please for the sake of your animal innocence, go run up a tree until the good fireman of Georgetown can rescue you.
Oh my God! Please make it stop!!!! Congressman Weiner, I call on you to return my MacBook for the sake of your political career and the Democratic Party. Now I’ve come to love this backwards, bungling Democratic Party, but I don’t love it that much.