Nancy Pelosi calls for Adrian Zmed’s Resignation

Adrian Zmed

House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi and several other democrats called for the resignation of Adrian Zmed after even more embarrassing images of him were released in 1985. The pictures, which Zmed sent to countless women and young girls through broadcast television and magazines such as “Tiger Beat,” often show an oiled up Zmed in little more than his underwear. One set of lewd images, showing a well-waxed Zmed folding pants in a police station locker room, actually appears 26 seconds into the credit sequence of the 1980s cop show “T.J. Hooker,” which starred a mostly fully clothed William Shatner and ran for four seasons on the ABC network.

Zmed should resign"I came to the conclusion that with the love of his family, the confidence of his constituents and the need for help that Zmed should resign," Pelosi told reporters from the steps of the capitol. Pelosi’s Republican counterpart in the House, House Speaker John Boehner, also told reporters Tuesday that he believes Zmed should step down. And, in an interview with NBC’s Ann Curry taped yesterday, President Barack Obama indicated that if he were in Zmed’s position, he too would resign.

Stone Cold Steve Austin Ran Over My MacBook

Stone Cold Steve Austin Ran Over My MacBook

After he poured beer all over my MacBook (exclusive video below), Stone Cold Steve Austin then ran over my MacBook with his ATV for good measure. This image of the Texas Rattlesnake running over my missing MacBook was captured by Hidden, the most awesome app ever that could show both Andrew Breitbart and me the vile and destructive things being done to my poor missing MacBook, but could still do nothing to save it.

UPDATE! Stone Cold Steve Austin Poured Beer on My MacBook

The awesome, awesome app Hidden had originally revealed that Congressman Anthony Weiner had my MacBook and was doing God knows what with it. Despite a congressional investigation launched by Democratic House leader  Nancy Pelosi, Weiner still could not say with certitude whether he had the MacBook or not despite mounting evidence to the contrary.

Now through exclusive video captured by the most awesomest app ever, Hidden, it appears that Stone Cold Steve Austin poured beer all over my laptop last night on Monday Night RAW. Maybe he was just trying to wash it off after Weiner had it for so long. It probably would have been more effective if he had used 90 proof Wild Turkey instead.

Update! If thine eye offends thee….

Andrew Breitbart the Man with X-Ray Eyes
With eyes as black as pitch, conservative provocateur Andrew Breitbart stormed a packed press conference about the state of my MacBook earlier this morning.

Earlier this morning, Andrew Breitbart of the conservative Breitbart media empire named after Andrew Breitbart, staggered into a hastily held press conference. Mr. Breitbart’s eyes had been somehow turned from a pale shade of blue to a deep black similar to the eyes of a shark.

"I have seen things that man was not meant to see," he said to the packed press room at the Sheraton Hotel in New York City, which at times took on the raucous atmosphere of a tent house revival.

Mr. Breitbart then claimed that he and his website Big Government had come into possession of images of Anthony Weiner using my MacBook snapped by Hidden, the all-seeing, all-knowing app with the ability to unveil secrets beyond man’s frail comprehension.

"There are great darknesses farther than time itself," Breitbart warned, with tears of reddest blood streaming down his face.

"Beyond the darkness is a light that glows, changes," he added in harried tones, "and in the center of the universe is the eye that sees us all."

Mr. Breitbart then added that he has pictures of this eye at the center of the universe on his smart phone, but that he wasn’t making them public in order to save Congressman Weiner’s family. Mr. Breitbart has shown these images to morning radio personalities Opie and Anthony, driving the shock jocks past the brink of sanity in the process.

John Dierkes of Corman Media then stood up from his seat and said, “You see sin and the devil Andy, but the lord has told us what to do about it. Said Matthew in Chapter 5, if thine eye offends thee, pluck it out!!!!”

The members of the New York and Washington press corps such as Matt Sledge and Jack Mirkinson of the Huffington Post and Politico’s Maggie Haberman started chanting, “Pluck it out! Pluck it out!”

Mr. Breitbart then plunged his fingers into his eye sockets, leaving only bloody pits in place of his blackened eyes. Mr. Breitbart then staggered into the hallway outside of the conference room where workers at the Sheraton reportedly heard him scream, “I can still see!” Rumors of Mr. Breitbart’s ability to see despite having no eyes could not be confirmed at press time.

Despite the macabre scene at this press conference, Congressman Weiner still has my MacBook.

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Anthony Weiner has my MacBook

On March 21, 2011, my MacBook was missing from my hotel room in Washington, DC. Because of this awesome app, Hidden, I was able to discover that my MacBook had somehow fallen into the clutches of U.S. Representative for New York’s 9th congressional district, Anthony Weiner, who appears to be using it to do unspeakable things even as we speak about these unspeakable things.

Unbeknownst to Congressman Weiner, the app Hidden, which is totally awesome by the way, I mean, it’s really, really awesome, is snapping pics of him as he violates the sanctity of my MacBook in really revolting ways. Also, for some reason these pics of Weiner that Hidden snaps all come with the words BIGGOVERNMENT on them, but the app is still really, really awesome even though it has some kind of connections to  Andrew Breitbart’s media empire.

Attempts to get capitol police or the FBI to launch an investigation into how Congressman Weiner came to be in possession of my MacBook have been met with indifference, citing budget concerns.

Update! Weiner has no certitude

During an interview with an interview with MSNBC’s Luke Russert, when asked if he had in fact borrowed my MacBook without asking, Weiner says: “I can’t say with certitude.” Weiner refuses to say whether he does or does not use my laptop. Andrew Breitbart is now foaming at the mouth on every cable channel ever conceived by man over this incident. Every channel I turn to, even the damned Golf Channel, even the Weather Channel, even those really sad religious programming Channels all have Breitbart talking about my damned MacBook all the time. It’s really a triple shot of fucking Breitbart right now. Damn in Anthony Weiner, just give me back my MacBook. You’re not just using my MacBook without asking, you’re ruining television and that just cannot be tolerated!

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Anthony Weiner has my MacBook

I really don’t want to know what this member of Congress is doing with my MacBook.

Weiner Cats

Congressman Weiner captured in repose with his kitty by the awesome, awesome app Hidden. Run Kitty run! Who knows what unspeakable things you won’t be able to speak about if you continue to be in the same room with this member of congress and my MacBook. Please for the sake of your animal innocence, go run up a tree until the good fireman of Georgetown can rescue you.

Underwear clad stiffie

Oh my God! Please make it stop!!!! Congressman Weiner, I call on you to return my MacBook for the sake of your political career and the Democratic Party. Now I’ve come to love this backwards, bungling Democratic Party, but I don’t love it that much.